So…yesterday (Day 1)…not so bad really.  Started the day with green tea and cream of rice.  Be careful with that stuff.  It explodes.  So if you ever want to make it be sure to put it in a really big bowl.  The taller the better because it expands.  Lunch was homemade lentil soup.  Never made that (or ate that to be honest) before but it turned out ok. I had to ask a co-worker to let me know if it tasted like it should because I have never eaten lentils;  can you believe that?!  I added cumin, coriander, sea salt, onions, celery, and carrots.  But it was still lacking something.  I added in some ginger and that rounded out the taste nicely.

Snack included a pear and 2 rice cakes with almond butter (gross and bland, but R liked it). 

I got home and cooked black beans and rice.  For this I added some olive oil, lemon juice, cumin again, chili powder, sea salt, ground mustard (for hot spice), black pepper, and lots of garlic.  I had to keep adding all of these ingredients until it had some flavor.  Turned out great and we had that on a bed of lettuce topped with grilled chicken.  I drizzled some lemon tahini on mine and R had his plain.  Honestly, it was delicious!  We felt very satisfied.  I think it looks beautiful!

Today, I am just starting in on my green tea (thanks R!).  And I feel a bit weird.  I have this strange zinging sensation all through my body and I have a tummy ache, but mentally I feel pretty good.  More on today later!

does every back-slide have to be major?  can we experience a relapse and bounce back immediately?  i think this must all be a choice.  we decide how much of an impact self-disappointment will have.  and usually we decide by following the same mental path that we have followed already.  it’s the idea of the long-term relationships we have with associations and the way our synapses fire.  which is why we should all read “change your brain, change your life”.  well, at least i should read it.  or its like when you give a little on a commitment (like a diet).  you cheat and then the whole diet goes up in smoke.

when am i going to choose something else?  when i am going to stop being afraid?  oh wait…i was already getting there.  and i doubt that one back-slide means i go back to square one if i don’t want it to.  my dad gave me a really great piece of advice once…he said if you are confused about what you should do, write down what you think your best friend should do in the same situation and put it in your pocket and then the next time you come to a crossroads in which you feel paralyzed to make a decision, read the piece of paper.  i think i am going to do that.  what the paper will say, i already know, is “don’t do anything…STOP doing anything…leave it ALONE”

so that means no pressure, right?  in fact, what could be easier to do than do nothing?  i think the hard work in that is to stop THINKING about the “thing”.  JUST STOP THINKING ABOUT IT.

Black Crowes perform Baby Don’t Do It

The forest opens and embraces me
Agrees to shield me here
Among its buds and branches
Until time passes enchanted without me 

I am the fog
The light mist that hangs over the river
Winding a smoky signal to my friend owl
His head turned to the sound of my slow breathing

Otherwise invisible

Drums carry through the trees
A slow steady rhythm coming towards me
Rising in my chest
And I know that they will find me soon

I am not afraid, but I am anxious
Crouching beneath the beech with supple tendons of elk around me
I am aware that I need to be found
And one cannot hide from one’s ancestors

Standing naked in my purpose
It hits me like a fierce wind
Winding down through the valley
Unstoppable and determined

And I am awakened a shaman.
Eyes of cobalt fire.

i’ve realized that i’m not going to get out of this on skates this time.  its taken so much more of a firm grasp and i’m learning to be okay with that.  how many people must suffer through things like this (depression, anxiety, compulsive behavior, simple matters of doing the same thing over and over again and hoping it turns out different, co-dependency, addiction, making bad choices, etc, etc), all feeling so afraid to expose themselves.  and so they keep on suffering when they don’t have to.  again…its sort of the whole point.  again…its a fish bowl.  if i have to explain the concept again, i think its better if you just stop reading.  you don’t understand.

there are different levels for different people.  on the small levels, its as simple as bad patterns, negative choices that keep us from living our true, most joyous lives.  for others, it can be a troublesome ol’ thing that pipes up a lot and requires some attention.  and sadly for some, these issues can be debilitating.  how i got to the latter is an absolute mystery to me.  nonetheless, i see it and i am taking its ugly ass to task.  so the first step is accepting it, and the second is wanting to change it.  2 out of 12 ain’t bad.

what the hell is my point?  well, for starters…that i want to stop being so hard on myself.  that is part of the fish bowl mentality too. (like…ow..you idiot…ow…you idiot) and its a string to the dysfunction.  so if you struggle with things like this…be okay with it.  and then make a bloody plan.  and make it airtight.  no backdoors.  tricks are tricky tricky.   part of my issue is looking around and saying “holy shit”…”if i decide to stop doing this…what the hell am i going to do?”  really.  i think that.  and the only thing that actually makes me feel better is deciding to not look ahead to what tomorrow will look like.  stop anticipating.  stop guessing at how i’ll feel, what i will experience, if i will be depressed or not.  one foot in front of the other.  breathe.  one foot.

its hard to concentrate to the moon

but I see her

dressed in her robes of glory

a song in her mouth

i wonder what it is she tells me

in what ways she compels me

forward

i am adrift there

gazing upon her power

gazing upon her mystery

wrapped and shrouded

okay…let me first say that when i got home from work today, i suddenly noticed that my beer was gurgling…which makes me so very happy.  i brewed on saturday and used a dry yeast which i was unsure about.  and then here it was tuesday morning and i could hear no action!  but alas…those little buggers are getting their groove on and turning sugar to alcohol.  so i am happy.

secondly, i got to spend my day trompsing around woods, fields, and streams and so this too makes me happy.  a beautiful day and spent with some of my old friends from ecoscience…as well as new.  good stuff.  i took lots of pictures but will have to post them at a later date since its a work camera thing and i am not at work!  had to skip climbing though and that is a bummer.  boo.  but it makes no sense to commute out there when i don’t go there straight from work.  am sad that i missed aj’s last night at climbing though.  ah well.  i am also sad that i am done with all my harry potter books.  they are so absorbing and a good escape from reality…which i need on occassion…ok, ok…maybe on more than one occasion.  will post the latest poetry next…..

and then turned it all upside down and spent 1/365th of a year drinking the high life.

sweet.  yesterday was really, really fun.  between the “sausage wallet:  ‘no one rides for free’”, the star tatoo on my calf, all the “ink”, the car “breakdown”, the good music, getting to see bunches of people i really like, and the fact that it is legitimately autumn…AND that i had my camera, i was actually quite happy.  this is good news people.