Uh…kind of sad that many are still applicable! Do I not learn anything?!
Friday, April 28, 2006
Mom Alert!
Well, we’re heading off to see my mom this weekend. To give you some background…my mom has lived in the same condo for over five years and I’ve never seen it. Now, some would say that’s unforgivable…how can a daughter treat her own mother so bad! Shame on me! To that I would say: you don’t know my mother. But nonetheless…we’re taking the journey and she’s already driving m
e crazy.
The phone conversation…this morning….7:52 am.
Mom: So, are you excited.
Me: Yes Mom.
Mom: Are you sure, you don’t sound excited.
Me: Mom, I’m excited, really. It’s just that it’s 7:52 in the morning.
Mom: So, will you call me to tell me if you get your flight (we’re flying stand-by…and note…we’ve had this same conversation about 752 times!).
Me: Yes Mom…I told you already that I would.
Mom: Well, do you think you’ll get on? You’ll call me when you find out, right?
Me: (Thinking to myself…for God’s sake woman…YES!!!) YES!!!!
Mom: Calm down…we’re only talking. Anyways…I don’t think I’m going to come pick you up.
Me: What are you talking about? You’ve been bothering me to come and visit for like a half of a century and now you won’t come pick us up?
Mom: Okay…I’ll come get you.
See now here…this is what I was talking about in UnderCURRENTS (see last entry)…she’s just trying to piss me off…clearly!
underCURRENTS
Currents
______
Under
Women are funny creatures. We have all sorts of ideas about what other people are doing and why they are doing it. And then the answer arrives: they (the people) just did what they did to piss us off! Clearly!
But seriously…men aren’t like this. Men are hacked off or they’re not. And when they’re pissed, you know it…it’s acknowledged and then it’s over. It doesn’t linger…you can’t detect it’s lingering scent…there are no smirk innuendos or subtle jabs.
Women on the other hand…holy bonkers…they can hold a grudge FOREVER! And they will. Not only that…they’ll let you know it…they’ll share their feelings in barely detectable, seemingly nice but actually seething tones. It’s a mess. This is what me and T call “undercurrents”. Trust me…they are intense.
I’m sensing some of those in our circle now and it’s tough. Life is changing so dramatically for all of us. We’ve gone from a tribe of independent, single, fun-loving women, to a mixed bag of singles and spoken for’s in less than a year. I’m telling you…this is no easy transition. It’s like we’ve gone from Sex in the City fun to the never-ending lack of clarity Lost in no time. So we have all these hurt feeling between us and uncertainties, and still have to independently face our inner challenges and questions. So while my best friend is frustrated with me for being inconsiderate and rudely affectionate in public…I’m questioning whether or not I am truly ready for marriage and domesticity.
I don’t know…maybe this is a part of life…and maybe I have to accept that transitions are hard and things dont’ always go the way you want them. But still I wish that I could hold on to the camaraderie and love and support that we all had for each other just a short time ago. My girlfriends have been the heart of my world for so long and I don’t want to swim away from them. Not because I’m afraid to try my flippers but because I love them…I think collectively I love them more than I could ever love any man. They are irreplaceable.
Friday, April 21, 2006
Know Thyself?
How do we know when we’re being cynical nay-sayers that can never be happy, or if we truly want something more for our lives? How do you know that? My dad says…”Go sit under a tree and meditate…you have all the answers you seek…maybe you just don’t like them”. But I don’t think it’s that simple, and I have been known to drive myself right into the ground with my indecision.
I am indecisive…I know it…and I own it. What I don’t own are decisions. I don’t ever want to make the wrong choice so I make no choice. I want so many different things that it’s impossible to make choices. Geez, that’s got to be just as bad as making the wrong choice…right?! What’s my point here…well…I guess my point is that it’s never been in my nature to be content so I always find things that are missing or lacking in my life…it could be with friends, lovers, jobs, the water, the fact that I don’t have a sexy waiter to obsess over, the fact that I’m not living overseas, blah…blah…blah. But here is the essential question:
Should I be content with what I have or is there something better out there for me? Some other person or some other purpose…is there another, happier life that I could…or more importantly…should be living.
I think some of the answers are obvious. I know that I’m not doing work that I find fulfilling or creative, or really helpful to anyone. So it’s really actually quite clear that I should make more strides to find a more fulfilling job.
But what about the more ambiguous points of love and passion, wanting to be domestic but desiring desire. They don’t really go together do they? Being domestic does not lend itself to an impassioned romance or the foreign fling. It doesn’t really include endless flights that lead to exotic places and experiences. But I want that and feel I should be able to have it. At times I think that for us Sags…it seems passion is only available to us in forms of the unattainable. We don’t won’t it unless we can’t have it. Is this true? Would I really go and join the peace corps if I wasn’t in a relationship? When I wasn’t in a relationship…I didn’t join the peace corps. Is it easier to pin our inhibitions on circumstance than ourselves? Is this the crux of it all?
It’s not that the question is so bad…it’s a legitimate question….it’s the obsession with the question that ends in self-sabatoge. We must choose to be happy at some point. Maybe stretching is acknowledging that about ourselves and experimenting with contentment. Loving the people that love us…accepting love…accepting who we are…where we are…being emotionally soft and receptive…like an elephant and not so much a lioness all the time. Not always having to be so damn proud and not having to live every life that we’ve imagined for ourselves.
But still I find it all unsatisfactory…and I find that reasoning unsatisfactory….still I wonder about the other life…or lives…I could be living.
I imagine I have to find the answers deep inside me…but that requires stillness. Maybe if I spent as much time seeking stillness as I do wondering what the right choices are…I would be on the right path and decisions would come effortlessly.
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
Happy Birthday Dad!!!
Dad
A long breeze, tall and cool,
amongst sweet tea and the arbored pool,
my dad he walks with a crooked back
from carrying me across the stacks
of troubles and pains of a growing girl;
and the trouble of making sand into pearl.
But he complains not of the burden he bears
as he climbs the mountain to bring me up the stairs.
So this gracious and soft heart of mine
is forever with him and always entwined
amongst admiration, loyalty and love
courage, steadfastness, and strength enough.
He is the ocean that ebbs and flows,
that teaches me to be brave
and always to grow.
He is the ocean that sings a lullaby
when the seas are too rough and too dark the sky.
He is the ocean that proudly boasts
when his youngest swimmer finally learns to float.
You are my greatest ocean, my father, and my friend
I will love you till the ends of the earth; on an earth that has no end.
Your love will always be the thing on which I stand,
in the stardust, in the sea, and on the sand.
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Uh…if this isn’t the damn truth
Monday, June 27, 2005
What’s the 411?
What is up with myself…I swear I drive myself totally crazy. If I could find a picture of a donkey…I would post it…because that’s what I feel like today.
Why do we so often convince ourselves that we want things that we don’t really want because they don’t seem to want us? How do we lose our ability to make rational, wise choices when it comes to matters of the heart…or more honestly in this case, matters of the ego. It’s such a fruitless cycle. I find that I, like so many of my girlfriends, am always convincing myself that I feel this way, or that way, about someone or something without really having all the information to make an informed judgement. I jump headfirst into a situation without really know what I truly want from it. From there comes endless confusion. From there, I always seem to assign more meaning to something that I really don’t know anything about. I find this endlessly annoying…I’m annoying myself. What I mean by this is that I sometimes find myself living beneath myself.
What you think you deserve for yourself is probably all that you will get. The message then? Get your ass in check and recognize your own gifts, creativity, and value. Dream big…want more…want the best…keep high standards…and above all…be true to yourself. Being true to yourself is tricky because that means that you really have to know who you are, what you want, and where you want to be going.
I know this…I want the Greatest Good…I want things that are good for me, and that are on my path. I want things and people in my life that make me happy and make me feel better about myself. I want to embrace the people that are coming towards me, not going away from me. I want people in my life that want to be there and actively try to get to know me better, that actively pursue my friendship and love. These are the people that I should give my heart to, and that is my intention now. That’s the 411.
Friday, June 24, 2005
Will the Circle Be Unbroken???
Sometimes I wish the cycle would stop. We recreate, play out, over and over again, our same intrinsic patterns. In fairness, some patterns like kindness and generosity are blessings, but others (they don’t need to be named) are useless and act as obstacles to our happiness. Obstacles we create (or recreate as it may be)…obstacles we think we have to accept. But hey…what happens when we turn to the driver of the car (the pattern) and say hey…stop the car you fucker and get out…then you just slide on over to the drivers seat, drop the cassette, and go…
That’s so liberating….realizing that you don’t have to be tied to your anxiety…you can choose not to worry about stupid shit.
So, the circle that is life and union, the celebration of creation…that could never be broken…it’s a force that moves all things, and it’s beautiful. Let the cycles that impede us be broken that the circle of life may bless!
